I know there is nothing I can do about this, but I need to talk about it.

I don’t think I “really” have a “type”. But I do have a preference. I think “type” is when you only notice one type of person, period. I notice all types of people, if you are attractive, then that is true no matter your type.

My preference in men is, about average height, about 5’6” to 6’, and small, tight build. No huge muscles, just tight built. All lean muscle, no bulk. I hate bulk, it looks like fat under clothes. 

Here is the problem, my husband is not in any form my preference. He is 6’5” and 260lbs. Don’t get me wrong I still find him attractive, but not sexy. The “bulk” is showing in his face, it is round, and that makes him look fat, not built. He is always telling me how women are always telling him he looks so fine. Which sucks for me because then he doesn’t want to lose the weight. When we got married he weighed 155lbs. He was too skinny then, all skin and bones. But now he is just too big. I like angles not hills.

So I am really starting to worry about this whole girlfriend thing with my husband. No she isn’t actually his girlfriend; I have talked about this before. But she is to him everything I am not. I am scared she will start being the things that I am as well, and that he won’t see the point in putting up with what he doesn’t like about me, when he can have someone younger, and with more in common, and more fun. I feel pain in my heart and feel like it is coming to that point. I so want to tell him not to hang out with her, but I just can’t. I hate hypocrites and that will make me one. But I have told him that is scares me and he still talks to her. He says he deserves to be happy, and that she makes him happy.

Everyone tells me how weird we are, I guess trying to compromise is a strange concept. But I do love my husband.

I don’t want to be divorced with two kids, trying to figure out how to live on my own.

Why do these things happen? Why couldn’t he have met a dude, who isn’t gay, to hang out with. A guy that is interested in the same things, that have the same points of view, that is a very positive presence, in essence her, just a guy. Why does she have to be a 21 yr old woman, who loves him? Is this my Karma coming around to kick my ass? Am I paying my penance and price for all the things I have done?

I don’t like life; there is way to much grey fog, what happened to the clarity that comes with living in black and white? I want back that innocence, that ignorance of truth, of pain, of reality.

I have to talk about this somewhere, my best friend seems to currently be unavailable and everyone else in my life wouldn’t understand.

My Husband has a new friend. Which is great for him, he has never really had a good friend, someone who is interested in the same things, and who truly cares about him. So for that I am truly happy for him. The problem with this is it is a 21 year old girl who is in love with him. He says he has no sexual attraction to her, but I think he is lying to himself, trying to convince himself that their friendship is safe, that nothing will happen. And she tells him regularly that she would do anything for him, that she doesn’t understand why I am not crazy happy that I am married to him. See he has told her all the issues we have had in our marriage, and how I am not always a happy, perky person. She doesn’t understand why he isn’t my world and all I need. She doesn’t get how I have wanted out at times. But the thing is we both have wanted out at one time or the other. I think that happens when get married at 19 because you are pregnant and you feel like you have to get married. But I did what I thought was right, I married the man that I loved and would probably have married anyway, I just did it when I was way young. Yes we have almost got divorced; yes I have wished things would have gone differently. But we are still together, we have been married for going on 14 years, and we have worked through every problem we have had. We are closer now than we have ever been. But I honestly believe he has considered leaving me for her. I don’t think he wants to admit that, even to himself. But they have so much in common, all the things we don’t. They talk for hours, text each other all day. Yesterday, they spent the entire day together. I really am trying not to be jealous. I don’t believe in telling him that he can’t hang out with her, that he can’t talk to her. He did that to me a couple of times and it was part of the reason we almost got divorced. Then last night when it upset me that she came by to see him after he got off work too after seeing him all day, he said he wished I wouldn’t act like that. I think I have been very considerate of this situation. He says he is just being completely honest with me when he talks about her every second of every conversation we have. Am I now supposed to ignore that it bothers me to see him having so much fun with her. He just doesn’t want to hide anything from me, whatever, he just can’t get her off his mind and he thinks it is okay to talk to me about it. I don’t mind hearing about the higher points but damn he never stops talking about her. And of course this is the time in my life when it feels as if my best friend has decided to abandon me. Life really has a very sick sense of humor!

Okay so I am not the number one most positive person in the world. Okay so sometimes I can’t seem to pull myself out of my funk. Okay so I don’t always smile and say life is grand. But I do try, I get up everyday, I go about my life, I try to smile, I try to think in a positive light. I want to be positive; I want to be the epitome of joyfulness.

Want and do always two different things!

Why can’t people stop and consider the person and the situation. Can’t you love everything about me. I just want to understand how to live my life. I want to find happiness, but I don’t want that happiness to come at the expense of others. Why is it so hard to just be honest with each other, and I mean considerately also, not hurtful blunt honesty. Just tell me if you actually like me or not, there has to be a way to do that without being cruel. Being honest has to be nicer than leaving a person to wander what is wrong.

I saw Ivy standing there at the sink; I was struck by the curve of her hip. It surprised me how fascinating I found the line her shirt made as it fell down past her waste. I know she heard me come into the room. As I walked up behind her she tensed. Without truly realizing my intention, I put my hand on her waste. I heard her suck in her breath. I moved my hand around to her stomach, putting enough pressure to make her turn. "Rachel?" there was a slight tremor in her voice. I raised my eyes slowly from her waist to her eyes. I don't know what she saw; I only know I felt drawn. I looked at her lips, and thought about how soft they looked. I slowly moved my hand from her waist to her face. I lifted so I could reach her mouth. As I came close she started to speak, I put my finger on her lips. She just stared at me. I barely put my lips to hers, waiting to feel her response, she just stood there. I put a little more pressure and began to open my mouth. Ivy gasped and grabbed the back of my head. She moved with a liquid grace and had my back to the sink before I could breathe. The kiss deepened. I opened my mouth the rest of the way. Her tongue and lips are so soft, I thought. She was so gentle, yet I felt her strength in every movement. She wrapped her hands in my hair; I think to let me know I wasn't free to move. I ran my hands along her back to her waist and left them to rest there. Her free hand moved to my waist and slid under my shirt, I started to tense up, she stopped. I forced myself to relax. She must have sensed my submission, since her hand began to move under my shirt again. She touched me with butterfly softness, it sent tingles up my spine, and I sucked on her tongue. Startled at how intense I was feeling, I gripped her waist tighter, she moved her mouth, small kisses up my jaw to my ear. "Rachel", she whispered with a moan in her voice. She licked the edge of my ear and then kissed my neck. That spot on my neck started to tingle, I arched my back into her and threw my head back, she ran her tongue along the barely visible scars. I didn't even realize until later, but I said yes, just before she bit me. I wanted to melt right there, I didn't know just how amazing it felt to be bit in the middle of an intimate moment, I was wondering what had taken me so long to give in. Ivy's hand had lifted my shirt; I felt the cold air as she moved her hand to my breast. She ran her thumb over my nipple, making my knees weak. I felt every inch of her touching me, making my skin burn. I was vibrating from the intensity. The next time I opened my eyes we were in her bed and our hands were everywhere. There were trails of heat everywhere she touched me. I ran my hands through the silky strands of her hair. For once in my life there was no thinking involved just touch and taste. She tasted like spiced honey, her skin the texture of velvet. I kissed every inch of skin I could find. We did things to each other not found in Ivy’s book. I loved watching her as she relaxed into this experience. With expert hands Ivy found my favorite spot and put my hands where wanted them, finding a fluid rhythm we slowly brought each other to an amazing explosive finish.

Questions about Friendship Etiquette

1.  Who gets control of the friendship?

2.  When should you call?

3.  How often should you call once you have started?

4.  How do you know if you are being pushy?

5.  How often is too often to text?

6.  When should you start putting yourself out there?

7.  How much of yourself should you put out there?

8.  How honest is too honest?

9.  What is too blunt?

10. When is it okay to set up a night out on the town?

11. How do you find out the status quoi of the friendship?

12. How do you establish what you expect from the friendship?

13. How do you know when someone is being honest?

14. How do you have a healthy, giving and strong friendship?

     So these are the things I wonder with all friendships I have or that could be. I get that I am probably over thinking the whole thing. But I just met this really cool person while out with my husband and I would like to become friends, but I am scared to put myself out there, but even more scared that if I don’t I will miss out on a friendship that could be a blast. I doubt what I remember about meeting them, did we really hit it off, why would this person want to spend time me, and were they putting me on, just being nice at the time? So if you read this and can answer any of the questions, I welcome your opinion or even stories about how you started a new friendship.

I was saying what a good time I had Sat. and I did. And of course I went home and checked out her myspace, and again OMG! She is gorgeous! There in lies the problem, I can't stop thinking about her. And being as she seems amazing, what the hell would she want with me. He is where lacking self-esteem sucks. And on top of that, I am scared I will ended up being a bug. I just want to call her and tell how amazing I think she is, and set up sometime to see her again, have I ever mentioned I have a tendency to be slightly obsessive, I am afraid I will freak her out. But this is fine, I will just control my inner stalker and leave her be, until I just can't stand it no more!

On the guy front, the one I have talked about before, he is just weird, and damn confusing. I just don't get people, I can be your friend and find you attractive and not let it freak me out. Maybe I am the weird one. Or maybe I am just better at admitting my attraction and then dealing with it.